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Best Sports Documentaries

With ESPN’s film ‘OJ: Made In America’ emerging as an Oscars frontrunner this year, Onion Sports looks back at some of the greatest sports documentaries of all time.

New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.
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BREAKING: Lovers Lost In Fog

‘Isabelle!’

SEDGECREST GRANGE—According to reports currently emanating from the sullen gloom of Sedgecrest Grange, two young lovers, mere moments after their impetuous peregrination into the dusky marshlands, have become hopelessly lost and separated, their every movement obscured by fog’s ashen shawl. “Isabelle!” called out Clancy Ferris Radford, a swain of handsome countenance, noble of birth yet possessed of a schoolboy’s willfulness, his whims unbridled, his temper as wild as the desperate cries to his beloved presently vanishing into the misty bog. “Isabelle! Seek out my voice, fair girl! The evening hastens!” At press time, a chill had gripped the air, beckoned by twilight, as Clancy’s soul yearned for the warm sanctuary of Sedgecrest Manor, for the touch of brocade and the smell of spiced wine, and for the azure eyes of his raven-haired beauty, now lost, perchance forever, in the widening brume.

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