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After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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BREAKING: Mrs. Nichols Also Daniel’s Mom

WATERLOO, IA—Validating rumors that had been circulating throughout recess and lunch, sources at Lowell Elementary School are now confirming that Mrs. Nichols is also Daniel’s mom. “It totally makes sense,” said classmate Sarah McGreevy, who minutes earlier had witnessed Daniel getting into his mother’s car in the faculty parking lot. “They have the same last name and kind of have the same hair. Plus, Ryan said he saw a picture of her when he was playing Xbox at Daniel’s house. It’s got to be true.” Fellow classmates have reportedly already begun speculating that the reason Daniel isn’t in his mother’s class is because she’d probably give him all A’s.

After Birth

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