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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:
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BREAKING: No Way Egypt Coming Out Of This With A Functional Democracy

CAIRO—Following countrywide protests against President Mohamed Morsi’s sweeping assertions of executive power, sources confirmed Tuesday that, just so you know, there’s no chance whatsoever that Egypt is emerging from all this with a functional and active democracy. “These decrees are temporary and exist only to ensure a smooth transition to a representative government for all Egyptians,” Morsi said in a recent statement, which, to be clear, is not indicative of anything that will actually happen and only masks an inevitable future in which the fundamental democratic rights of every Egyptian citizen continue to be oppressed. “This level of authority is necessary in order to implement a new constitution, appoint a democratically elected parliament, and [a bunch of other carefully crafted rhetorical bullshit that is totally meaningless since the people of Egypt will in no way be allowed to have any real say in the political or ideological future of their country, which, again, will not in reality resemble anything close to a true democracy whether this guy remains in power or not].” Sources also concluded that, in case you were wondering, many more protesters are going to wind up in jail or dead by the time this thing is all over.

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