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Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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BREAKING: No Way Egypt Coming Out Of This With A Functional Democracy

CAIRO—Following countrywide protests against President Mohamed Morsi’s sweeping assertions of executive power, sources confirmed Tuesday that, just so you know, there’s no chance whatsoever that Egypt is emerging from all this with a functional and active democracy. “These decrees are temporary and exist only to ensure a smooth transition to a representative government for all Egyptians,” Morsi said in a recent statement, which, to be clear, is not indicative of anything that will actually happen and only masks an inevitable future in which the fundamental democratic rights of every Egyptian citizen continue to be oppressed. “This level of authority is necessary in order to implement a new constitution, appoint a democratically elected parliament, and [a bunch of other carefully crafted rhetorical bullshit that is totally meaningless since the people of Egypt will in no way be allowed to have any real say in the political or ideological future of their country, which, again, will not in reality resemble anything close to a true democracy whether this guy remains in power or not].” Sources also concluded that, in case you were wondering, many more protesters are going to wind up in jail or dead by the time this thing is all over.

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