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A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

What You Need To Know About The Trump Administration’s Ties To Russia

New revelations from the U.S. intelligence community about potentially illegal communications between members of the Trump administration and Russian officials, which led to Michael Flynn resigning as national security advisor Monday, have increased calls for a wider investigation of Trump’s murky ties to Russia. Here’s what you need to know.
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BREAKING: No Way Egypt Coming Out Of This With A Functional Democracy

CAIRO—Following countrywide protests against President Mohamed Morsi’s sweeping assertions of executive power, sources confirmed Tuesday that, just so you know, there’s no chance whatsoever that Egypt is emerging from all this with a functional and active democracy. “These decrees are temporary and exist only to ensure a smooth transition to a representative government for all Egyptians,” Morsi said in a recent statement, which, to be clear, is not indicative of anything that will actually happen and only masks an inevitable future in which the fundamental democratic rights of every Egyptian citizen continue to be oppressed. “This level of authority is necessary in order to implement a new constitution, appoint a democratically elected parliament, and [a bunch of other carefully crafted rhetorical bullshit that is totally meaningless since the people of Egypt will in no way be allowed to have any real say in the political or ideological future of their country, which, again, will not in reality resemble anything close to a true democracy whether this guy remains in power or not].” Sources also concluded that, in case you were wondering, many more protesters are going to wind up in jail or dead by the time this thing is all over.

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