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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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BREAKING: No Way Egypt Coming Out Of This With A Functional Democracy

CAIRO—Following countrywide protests against President Mohamed Morsi’s sweeping assertions of executive power, sources confirmed Tuesday that, just so you know, there’s no chance whatsoever that Egypt is emerging from all this with a functional and active democracy. “These decrees are temporary and exist only to ensure a smooth transition to a representative government for all Egyptians,” Morsi said in a recent statement, which, to be clear, is not indicative of anything that will actually happen and only masks an inevitable future in which the fundamental democratic rights of every Egyptian citizen continue to be oppressed. “This level of authority is necessary in order to implement a new constitution, appoint a democratically elected parliament, and [a bunch of other carefully crafted rhetorical bullshit that is totally meaningless since the people of Egypt will in no way be allowed to have any real say in the political or ideological future of their country, which, again, will not in reality resemble anything close to a true democracy whether this guy remains in power or not].” Sources also concluded that, in case you were wondering, many more protesters are going to wind up in jail or dead by the time this thing is all over.

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