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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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BREAKING: Producers Assume Shannon Sharpe Doing Highlights Right Now

NEW YORK—Several new reports indicate CBS producers are just assuming that NFL Today analyst Shannon Sharpe is doing game highlights right now, speculating that the broadcaster’s incoherent rambling might be related to one of the top plays from Sunday. “Uh, he’s mumbling about something, but I don’t know what the hell he’s babbling about,” said producer Drew Kaliski, who was visibly weary while struggling to follow along with Sharpe’s unfathomable commentary. “I think I heard ‘Luck’ in there somewhere. It doesn’t matter; just throw a touchdown on the screen.” At press time, CBS producers reportedly determined that Sharpe was probably never going to shut up.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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