BREAKING: Sprinting College Student Might Actually Have Chance At Getting Frisbee

Top Headlines


Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

BREAKING: Sprinting College Student Might Actually Have Chance At Getting Frisbee

WINSTON-SALEM, NC—In what many are calling a stunning and wildly unexpected development, witnesses confirmed Monday that a college student charging at full speed across Wake Forest University’s Davis Field may actually have an outside chance of catching the Frisbee currently gliding to the ground. “As soon as that thing went in the air, I thought, ‘Sorry, man, there’s no way,’ but turns out he’s a lot faster than he looks,” said onlooker Julia Maddock, 20, who noted that though the awkward, wobbling toss initially seemed tilted at too severe an angle to be catchable, the student has since covered such an incredible distance that he might—might—just get there before it hits the grass. “He just took off and made a beeline straight for where he somehow knew it was headed. Christ, look at him go. He still probably won’t get there in time, but it’s a miracle he even has a shot here.” At press time, sources at the scene were confirming with astonishment that the son of a bitch is actually diving headfirst to try to catch it.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close