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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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BREAKING: Sprinting College Student Might Actually Have Chance At Getting Frisbee

WINSTON-SALEM, NC—In what many are calling a stunning and wildly unexpected development, witnesses confirmed Monday that a college student charging at full speed across Wake Forest University’s Davis Field may actually have an outside chance of catching the Frisbee currently gliding to the ground. “As soon as that thing went in the air, I thought, ‘Sorry, man, there’s no way,’ but turns out he’s a lot faster than he looks,” said onlooker Julia Maddock, 20, who noted that though the awkward, wobbling toss initially seemed tilted at too severe an angle to be catchable, the student has since covered such an incredible distance that he might—might—just get there before it hits the grass. “He just took off and made a beeline straight for where he somehow knew it was headed. Christ, look at him go. He still probably won’t get there in time, but it’s a miracle he even has a shot here.” At press time, sources at the scene were confirming with astonishment that the son of a bitch is actually diving headfirst to try to catch it.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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