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BREAKING: Sprinting College Student Might Actually Have Chance At Getting Frisbee

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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BREAKING: Sprinting College Student Might Actually Have Chance At Getting Frisbee

WINSTON-SALEM, NC—In what many are calling a stunning and wildly unexpected development, witnesses confirmed Monday that a college student charging at full speed across Wake Forest University’s Davis Field may actually have an outside chance of catching the Frisbee currently gliding to the ground. “As soon as that thing went in the air, I thought, ‘Sorry, man, there’s no way,’ but turns out he’s a lot faster than he looks,” said onlooker Julia Maddock, 20, who noted that though the awkward, wobbling toss initially seemed tilted at too severe an angle to be catchable, the student has since covered such an incredible distance that he might—might—just get there before it hits the grass. “He just took off and made a beeline straight for where he somehow knew it was headed. Christ, look at him go. He still probably won’t get there in time, but it’s a miracle he even has a shot here.” At press time, sources at the scene were confirming with astonishment that the son of a bitch is actually diving headfirst to try to catch it.

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