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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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BREAKING: Sprinting College Student Might Actually Have Chance At Getting Frisbee

WINSTON-SALEM, NC—In what many are calling a stunning and wildly unexpected development, witnesses confirmed Monday that a college student charging at full speed across Wake Forest University’s Davis Field may actually have an outside chance of catching the Frisbee currently gliding to the ground. “As soon as that thing went in the air, I thought, ‘Sorry, man, there’s no way,’ but turns out he’s a lot faster than he looks,” said onlooker Julia Maddock, 20, who noted that though the awkward, wobbling toss initially seemed tilted at too severe an angle to be catchable, the student has since covered such an incredible distance that he might—might—just get there before it hits the grass. “He just took off and made a beeline straight for where he somehow knew it was headed. Christ, look at him go. He still probably won’t get there in time, but it’s a miracle he even has a shot here.” At press time, sources at the scene were confirming with astonishment that the son of a bitch is actually diving headfirst to try to catch it.

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