BREAKING: 'The Onion' In Kill Range Of Boston Bomber Suspect

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Vol 49 Issue 16

Lakers vs. Spurs

The Lakers face the Spurs in the first round of the NBA playoffs, reigniting a rivalry not quite as old as most of the players involved.

Louis Charles

Louis Charles, 17, added a little water to the nearly empty mustard bottle so his parents wouldn’t be able to tell he took some.
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Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

BREAKING: 'The Onion' In Kill Range Of Boston Bomber Suspect

Do We Take The Shot? Tweet Us Your Votes

BOSTON—Saying that we have a clear shot and we are ready to fire if given the go-ahead, The Onion has confirmed it will take out the Boston Marathon bomber if Twitter users give us enough “yes” votes to do so. “Folks, it is now or never, so tweet @TheOnion ‘Yes, kill the terrorist,’ or ‘No, stand down,’ depending on what you want us to do,” confirmed this reporter. “It’s a head shot, but we can do something less messy if you want. We will tabulate the votes in 40 seconds.” Sources said the terrorist looks like he’s on the move, so get to the social networking site immediately.

UPDATE: ‘The Onion’ Apologizes For Killing Innocent Boston Man Tom Mahoney

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