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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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BREAKING: 'The Onion' In Kill Range Of Boston Bomber Suspect

Do We Take The Shot? Tweet Us Your Votes

BOSTON—Saying that we have a clear shot and we are ready to fire if given the go-ahead, The Onion has confirmed it will take out the Boston Marathon bomber if Twitter users give us enough “yes” votes to do so. “Folks, it is now or never, so tweet @TheOnion ‘Yes, kill the terrorist,’ or ‘No, stand down,’ depending on what you want us to do,” confirmed this reporter. “It’s a head shot, but we can do something less messy if you want. We will tabulate the votes in 40 seconds.” Sources said the terrorist looks like he’s on the move, so get to the social networking site immediately.

UPDATE: ‘The Onion’ Apologizes For Killing Innocent Boston Man Tom Mahoney

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