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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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BREAKING: 'The Onion' In Kill Range Of Boston Bomber Suspect

Do We Take The Shot? Tweet Us Your Votes

BOSTON—Saying that we have a clear shot and we are ready to fire if given the go-ahead, The Onion has confirmed it will take out the Boston Marathon bomber if Twitter users give us enough “yes” votes to do so. “Folks, it is now or never, so tweet @TheOnion ‘Yes, kill the terrorist,’ or ‘No, stand down,’ depending on what you want us to do,” confirmed this reporter. “It’s a head shot, but we can do something less messy if you want. We will tabulate the votes in 40 seconds.” Sources said the terrorist looks like he’s on the move, so get to the social networking site immediately.

UPDATE: ‘The Onion’ Apologizes For Killing Innocent Boston Man Tom Mahoney

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