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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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BREAKING: Thriller Writer Jeffery Deaver At Top Of His Game

NEW YORK—Late-breaking reports from the literary community confirmed just moments ago that veteran thriller writer and No. 1 bestselling author Jeffery Deaver has done it again. “POW! Deaver is back and better than ever with a new heart-stopping juggernaut of a book that showcases the 31-time novelist at the peak of his powers,” a publishing representative confirmed to reporters this morning, adding that this latest and best installment in the author’s Lincoln Rhyme series is “not to be missed.” “With every twist and turn, The Kill Room cements Deaver’s status as the undisputed master of the modern spy thriller. The one-two punch of this cunningly wrought, crackerjack page-turner will keep you guessing until the very end.” An update received at press time confirmed that if the book’s chilling conclusion doesn’t make your pulse pound, you probably don’t have one.

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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