adBlockCheck

Local

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
End Of Section
  • More News

Breaking: Waiter Picking Up Napkin With Bare Hand

SAN ANTONIO—Watching in horror as he directly handles the dirty, crumpled piece of paper without the aid of a glove or any other sanitary barrier, Sunset Grove Cafe patron Samantha Barnes is at this moment panicking upon noticing that her waiter has picked up her used napkin with his bare hand. “Jesus, he didn’t even hesitate,” said Barnes, who is in utter shock at the nonchalance the waiter demonstrated in grabbing the napkin that she had only moments ago used to wipe honey mustard off her mouth. “He just went for it even though he must have seen that it was covered in sauce. He could have just scraped it onto a plate with one of the utensils, but now it’s right there touching his skin, contaminating him. God, I feel so ashamed.” At press time, Barnes had resolved to leave her used napkins on the center of her plate from now on so the waiter would never have to touch it, and it would be some dishwasher’s problem.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close