Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
End Of Section
  • More News

Breaking: Waiter Picking Up Napkin With Bare Hand

SAN ANTONIO—Watching in horror as he directly handles the dirty, crumpled piece of paper without the aid of a glove or any other sanitary barrier, Sunset Grove Cafe patron Samantha Barnes is at this moment panicking upon noticing that her waiter has picked up her used napkin with his bare hand. “Jesus, he didn’t even hesitate,” said Barnes, who is in utter shock at the nonchalance the waiter demonstrated in grabbing the napkin that she had only moments ago used to wipe honey mustard off her mouth. “He just went for it even though he must have seen that it was covered in sauce. He could have just scraped it onto a plate with one of the utensils, but now it’s right there touching his skin, contaminating him. God, I feel so ashamed.” At press time, Barnes had resolved to leave her used napkins on the center of her plate from now on so the waiter would never have to touch it, and it would be some dishwasher’s problem.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.