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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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BREAKING: We Might Be Doing A Bad Job

WATERTOWN, MA—Citing the fact that we have done five breaking news updates in the last 30 minutes and have added no new information to the story, numerous sources are now confirming that we might be doing a bad job covering the manhunt for Boston Marathon bombing suspect Dzhokar A. Tsarnaev. Eyewitnesses are telling reporters there’s a fairly good chance that the pointless, rushed updates could indicate a piss-poor level of incompetent journalism. At press time, breaking reports are now confirming that, yes, we are heavily leaning toward the conclusion that we are doing a bad job.

Continuing coverage of the Boston Marathon bombings

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