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BREAKING: We Might Be Doing A Bad Job

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NFL Vows To Fix Bottomless Pit On Levi’s Stadium Field Before Super Bowl

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following persistent safety concerns regarding the playing surface throughout the regular season, the NFL made firm assurances Friday to both the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers that the bottomless pit in the middle of the field at Levi’s Stadium will be fully repaired before Super Bowl 50.

Area Man Would Hate Cam Newton Even If He Was Different Minority

MURRAY, KY—Adamantly stressing that his disdain for the 26-year-old quarterback is not based on any racial prejudice toward African Americans, local 49-year-old Michael Willet told reporters Friday that he would hate Cam Newton even if the Carolina Panthers star was a different minority.

Monocle-Wearing Oil Baron’s Cigarette Holder Splinters In Clenched Teeth After Hearing Bernie Sanders’ Environmental Platform

GREENWICH, CT—Leaving him visibly seething as he sat in his tufted leather wingback chair in his study, monocle-wearing oil baron Frederick Porter Harriman’s ivory-inlaid cigarette holder reportedly splintered between his clenched teeth upon him hearing presidential candidate Bernie Sanders outline his environmental platform during Thursday night’s Democratic debate.
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  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

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BREAKING: We Might Be Doing A Bad Job

WATERTOWN, MA—Citing the fact that we have done five breaking news updates in the last 30 minutes and have added no new information to the story, numerous sources are now confirming that we might be doing a bad job covering the manhunt for Boston Marathon bombing suspect Dzhokar A. Tsarnaev. Eyewitnesses are telling reporters there’s a fairly good chance that the pointless, rushed updates could indicate a piss-poor level of incompetent journalism. At press time, breaking reports are now confirming that, yes, we are heavily leaning toward the conclusion that we are doing a bad job.

Continuing coverage of the Boston Marathon bombings

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