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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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BREAKING: We’re Doing A Bad Job

WATERTOWN, MA—In an important development since our last update, sources can now positively confirm that we are doing a bad job covering the ongoing manhunt for Boston Marathon bombing suspect Dzhokar A. Tsarnaev. After soliciting information from the public regarding the quality of our reporting and taking an honest look at what we’ve done in the past hour, we have learned that not only is our coverage substandard, but atrocious. Sources confirmed that, if we’re being honest, we have done nothing but waste your time. Moreover, reports indicate that nothing will actually be worth reporting until the second bombing suspect is apprehended or killed.

Continuing coverage of the Boston Marathon bombings

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