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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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BREAKING: We’re Doing A Bad Job

WATERTOWN, MA—In an important development since our last update, sources can now positively confirm that we are doing a bad job covering the ongoing manhunt for Boston Marathon bombing suspect Dzhokar A. Tsarnaev. After soliciting information from the public regarding the quality of our reporting and taking an honest look at what we’ve done in the past hour, we have learned that not only is our coverage substandard, but atrocious. Sources confirmed that, if we’re being honest, we have done nothing but waste your time. Moreover, reports indicate that nothing will actually be worth reporting until the second bombing suspect is apprehended or killed.

Continuing coverage of the Boston Marathon bombings

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