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How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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Breakroom Tension At All-Time High Following Mug Dispute

PHOENIX—Diplomatic measures have failed to ease breakroom tension following Monday's latest mug dispute between Southwest DataTech employees Iris Cole and Steve Mees. "An already tense atmosphere only deteriorated when Iris caught Steve using her mug yet again," an unnamed accounting-department source said. Cole, whose mug features a cartoon bear sleeping next to a sign reading, 'Wake Me When It's Friday!," rejected Mees' excuse that his mug looks similar to hers.

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