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Police Find Super-Sharp Buck Knife

'It's The Kind With A Blade That Locks In Place,' Says Law Enforcement Spokesperson

Warning residents that the blade was “super deadly” and “badass,” city police officials held a press conference Wednesday to announce that they had found a really cool wooden-handled Buck-brand pocketknife on the street.

What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.
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Breakup Doesn't Seem To Have Changed Relationship

CARY, NC— Six weeks after their breakup, Daniel Bey and Janette Forsberg seem to have undergone no apparent change in their relationship, friends of the ostensibly ex-couple reported Monday. "They see each other all the time, and they still argue about every trivial thing, just like when they were together," friend Rich Gascone said. "Daniel even told me they're still having sex. But apparently, in some science-fiction way I can't comprehend, they're split up."

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