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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.
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Breakup Hints Misinterpreted As Marriage-Proposal Hints

KNOXVILLE, TN—Amanda Gentry, 25, has misinterpreted longtime boyfriend Wilson Crandall's recent break-up hints—including erratic behavior and strange, cryptic remarks about their future—as marriage-proposal hints.

The excited Gentry and her boyfriend Crandall, who is not about to propose.

"I can tell Wilson is getting ready to pop the question," Gentry said. "The last few weeks, he's been acting so weird. He keeps saying he needs to 'take stock of his life' and 'face some important decisions he's been putting off.' I hear wedding bells!"

Though Crandall, 26, a University of Tennessee law student, rarely articulates his feelings about the state of the couple's three-year relationship, Gentry said his occasional remarks "speak volumes."

"A couple weeks ago, right after sex, Wilson got really odd and quiet, like he wanted to say something but couldn't get it out," Gentry said. "Finally, he told me, 'I think you're a great girl, and I just want you always to be happy.' Isn't that so sweet?"

The post-coital exchange went no further, Gentry said, with Crandall telling her only that he needed to talk to her about their future at some point. Two weeks later, the talk has yet to occur.

"He's studying for the bar, but when he's done, he wants to sit down with me," Gentry said. "He says he has something important to say and that I should brace myself. Isn't it obvious? He's finishing law school this May and thinking about settling down. Goin' to the cha-pel..."

Gentry said she hopes Crandall will take her someplace romantic to propose.

"Wilson recently said something about getting away and going somewhere for a week in March," Gentry said. "A few days later, I caught him looking for plane tickets on the Internet. It's weird that he was pricing tickets for around the time of the NCAA Final Four tournament, since I wouldn't think he'd want to miss that. But, obviously, making a commitment to a life partner is so much more important."

Recently, Crandall has been asking Gentry about her career goals, a line of questioning she misread as a sign that he is mapping out their life together.

"He never asked me about social work before, but he's really been encouraging me to invest more of myself into my job," Gentry said. "He thinks fulfillment at work should be a bigger component of my life. Don't worry, Wilson, I have no plans to give up my career to have babies. Yet."

Gentry said Crandall even let slip that he was thinking about moving away from Knoxville after graduating.

"Wilson's been dropping little hints that he might try to get a job back in Chicago, where his parents and sister are," Gentry said. "He's definitely the type of guy who'd want to be close to his family if he was thinking about the long term."

Crandall has not explicitly invited Gentry to accompany him in the event of a move—an omission Gentry attributes to his fears that she may not want to go.

"Whenever we talk about Chicago, he goes on and on about how I'd hate the cold weather and the fast pace," Gentry said. "He's such a doll to be concerned about my feelings, but doesn't he know I'd follow him anywhere?"

Gentry has also misinterpreted Crandall's recent frugality as an effort to save up money for the future.

"It's so cute how he's trying to cut back on expenses," Gentry said. "We never go out to dinner anymore, or the movies, or even the bars. He must be working on one doozy of a rock."

"Wilson's birthday is coming up soon, March 4," Gentry continued. "Maybe he's planning to pop the question then. I can just see him getting down on one knee and saying that I'm what he wants most for his birthday."

Added Gentry: "God, the next few weeks are going to be unforgettable."

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