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Breakup Put Off Until Bioterrorism Scare Is Over

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Grandmother Palms Grandson $10 Like She Fixing Boxing Match

NEW BEDFORD, MA—Waiting until her daughter and son-in-law were occupied getting drinks in the kitchen following a family dinner at her home Sunday, local grandmother Ellen Sullivan, 72, is said to have palmed her 11-year-old grandson Jason Tucci $10 like she was fixing a heavyweight boxing match.

5 Months Of College Research Outweighed By Weekend Visiting Friend At Penn State

HAGERSTOWN, MD—Noting that the large public university had suddenly emerged as the high school student’s top choice for the fall, sources confirmed Wednesday that a single weekend spent with a friend who attends Penn State completely superseded all of graduating senior Tyler Pince’s college research over the past five months.

Boss Wants Friendly, Relaxed Company Culture In Place By Friday

SAN MATEO, CA—Warning of severe consequences if he didn’t see results, Pantheon Digital Consulting COO Daniel Abelson, 59, told employees Monday he wants a relaxed, friendly company culture implemented by the end of the week, sources within the organization confirmed.

Everyone In Coffee Shop Can Tell Trainee A Goner

KIRKLAND, WA—Shaking their heads as they watched the man struggle to make correct change and overheard him botch back-to-back orders, every customer at local coffee shop The Daily Bean confided to reporters Friday they could tell the store’s newest trainee was a definite goner.

34-Year-Old Man May As Well Keep Pursuing Dream At This Point

OMAHA, NE—Admitting he wasn’t really qualified to do much of anything else after all this time, local 34-year-old Ryan Wells told reporters Wednesday that, at this point, he might as well just keep following his dream of someday becoming a successful musician.

You To Still Die One Day

Did You Forget About That For A Minute?

WASHINGTON—Saying that despite the possibility you may have briefly been able to distract yourself from the incontrovertible fact by browsing the internet, hanging out with friends, reading, working out, or via some other diversion, sources confirmed Friday that you are still going to die one day and there is nothing you can do to prevent it.

Teacher’s Lounge The Site Of 5 Separate Emotional Breakdowns Today

CONWAY, AR—Noting that the space hasn’t gone more than two consecutive periods without being filled by the sound of soft sobbing or a sharply uttered series of curse words, sources at Conway High School confirmed that the teacher’s lounge has been the site of five separate emotional breakdowns so far today.

Alignment Of 6,071 Completely Independent Variables Necessary For Man To Feel Okay

PHILADELPHIA—Listing off an extensive set of prerequisite conditions ranging from various aspects of his physical health to the volume of the ongoing construction project outside his apartment, local man Shane Lambert confirmed Thursday that 6,071 completely independent variables must be in perfect synchrony at any given moment for him to feel okay.

Area Dad Stares Longingly At Covered Grill In Backyard

‘I Haven’t Forgotten You,’ Father Softly Whispers

EUCLID, OH—Placing his right palm against the glass of the sliding back door as he softly whispered reassurances to the device, local father Paul Chesney, 48, spent nearly an hour Tuesday gazing longingly at the covered grill in his backyard, family sources reported.

Breaking: Adam Got A PS4 For Christmas

He Got ‘Battlefront’ Too

DANVILLE, CA—Saying that the 10-year-old was so freaking lucky, sources in Mrs. Burnett’s homeroom class confirmed Monday that local 5th-grader Adam Samuels got a PlayStation 4 for Christmas and Star Wars Battlefront, too.

Grandma In Nursing Home Starts Adorable Little Sexual Relationship

PHOENIX—Saying it was nice to know their grandmother had found a companion to spend time with, the family of Desert Spring Assisted Living Home resident Barbara McGann reported Wednesday that the 78-year-old had begun an adorable little sexual relationship with another of the facility’s residents.

Grin Slowly Spreads Across Mom’s Face As Meal Revealed To Contain Healthy Ingredients

‘The Mashed Potatoes Are Actually Made With Cauliflower,’ She Announces

VERONA, WI—Having waited until everyone at the table had finished their dinner Monday, a knowing grin reportedly spread across local mother Angela Hopkins’ face as she announced to her family that the mashed potatoes had in fact been made using cauliflower as a healthier alternative.

Sudden Death Of Aunt Creates Rupture In Family Gossip Pipeline

VIRGINIA BEACH, VA—Grieving family members of local aunt Laurie Shelton confirmed Monday that the 48-year-old woman’s unexpected death had caused a major breach in their gossip pipeline, suddenly disrupting access to the latest dirt on all their relatives.

Man Really Letting No One Have It During Exit Interview

SPRINGFIELD, MA—Keeping his voice at a measured volume and holding everything back, departing employee David Hughes was really letting no one have it during his exit interview Monday, sources at local accounting firm Grier and Associates confirmed.

Conceptual Genius Goes As Self For Halloween

‘He Himself Is The Costume,’ Say Amazed Onlookers

SHERMAN OAKS, CA—Brilliantly subverting the very idea of a costume, conceptual genius Mark Richards, 27, reportedly stunned his fellow partygoers Friday when he announced that he had dressed as himself for Halloween.

No One In Gym Class Volleyball Game Willing To Set Ball

LITTLE ELM, TX—With neither team having completed more than two hits during a rally before sending the ball back over the net, sources confirmed Wednesday that no one in Jefferson High School’s third-period gym class was willing to set during a volleyball game.

Impressive New Hire Figures Out Bare Minimum Of Work Job Requires On First Day

MILWAUKEE—Marveling at his extraordinary ability to learn the ropes at the technology firm and quickly fit right in with the rest of his colleagues, sources at Starpoint Solutions confirmed Thursday that impressive new hire Eric Myers has already figured out the bare minimum of work his job requires on the very first day.

45-Minute Phone Call To Credit Card Company Goes Great

FORT WAYNE, IN—Grinning with contentment as he reminisced about the call he placed earlier in the day, 31-year-old accountant Greg Schulhoff told reporters Thursday that his 45-minute phone call with MasterCard regarding late payment fees went “really great.”

Mom Keeping Tabs On Coyote Situation

WAYZATA, MN—Regularly updating her husband and children on the frequency and location of sightings around the neighborhood, local mother Dana Salisbury continued to keep close tabs on the coyote situation this week, sources confirmed.

Teen Coming Out Of Shell Giving Bully Lots Of New Material To Work With

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Claiming he “hit the jackpot” when his victim began displaying an increased level of confidence and expressing his personal interests, local bully David Macomber told reporters Tuesday that he has had loads of new material to work with since 14-year-old Andrew Reid started coming out of his shell several weeks ago.

Boss Able To Seamlessly Blend Constructive Criticism With Personal Attacks

SAN JOSE, CA—Marveling at the ease and deftness with which he communicates the two messages simultaneously, employees at local advertising firm Wavelength Solutions told reporters Tuesday that their supervisor Eric Crowell has a unique ability to seamlessly blend constructive criticism with cutting personal attacks.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.

Area Dad Informs Busboy He’s Ready To Order

NASHUA, NH—Raising his arm into the air while leaning outward from the table in a bid to command attention from the other side of the restaurant, area father Walter Bierko called over a busboy at DiCapri’s Italian Eatery to inform him that he was ready to order, sources reported Wednesday.

Winning Argument With Aging Parents Less Satisfying Than It Once Was

CINCINNATI—After firmly telling them that she was okay paying city prices and that she would not move back to her hometown just because it was cheaper, local woman Ellen Wallace, 40, confirmed Thursday that winning an argument with her parents has become much less satisfying as they have gotten older.

Rescuers Heroically Help Beached Garbage Back Into Ocean

ATLANTIC BEACH, NC—In what many described as an inspiring display of selflessness and teamwork, a group of rescuers heroically saved a beached mound of garbage by helping the stranded trash back into the ocean, eyewitnesses reported Thursday.
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Breakup Put Off Until Bioterrorism Scare Is Over

NEW CASTLE, PA—Shaken and needing companionship in this time of national crisis, Jordan Rosling, 26, announced Monday that he has decided to postpone breaking up with longtime girlfriend Allison Ward until the current bioterrorism scare is over.

Rosling and Ward.

"I've been thinking of calling it off with Allison for a while, but the time just never seemed right," Rosling said. "Now that we might experience another Black Plague, this really isn't the time. I don't want to die alone, pathetic and girlfriendless."

Rosling said it simply makes more sense to wait until the Al-Qaeda terrorist network is completely dismantled before ending things with Ward.

"It's been almost six months since I started feeling like Allison and I weren't a forever thing," Rosling said. "So what's a few months more? If we capture [Osama] bin Laden, and it's clear that nothing worse than these anthrax letters is going to happen, then I can make some of these life decisions. But as for right now, I have serious fears about how long my life will even last."

Despite his urge to end the relationship, Rosling said things are "okay" with Ward.

"Why rock the boat?" Rosling asked. "We're at war. I don't want to be watching CNN, freaking out all by myself the next time something major happens. I've been with Allison for four years, and we've had some good times. It would be just plain stupid to break it off now."

Rosling, who recently read Germs: Biological Weapons And America's Secret War, said the recent anthrax attacks are "nothing compared with the shit that could happen."

"If smallpox is unleashed on the U.S., there'd be millions of deaths," Rosling said. "They stopped immunizing kids for it in 1972, and immunity to smallpox diminishes with time, anyway. If a terrorist successfully spreads smallpox here, one in three people could die. And those odds are too scary to face all on my own."

Also contributing to Rosling's reluctance to break up with Ward is the fact that he has few other people to turn to besides her.

"Pretty much all of my good friends have spouses or significant others of their own. So if something happened, they'd be with them, not me," Rosling said. "I don't want to die as a third wheel, all covered in weeping sores and rasping out my last breath as some couple wished I would give them some privacy."

While his primary fear is bioterrorism, Rosling said he is also nervous about the possibility of a chemical-weapons attack or nuclear strike against America.

"Can you imagine sitting there all by yourself, knowing you're going to die from radiation sickness?" Rosling said. "Then there's the added worry of our current recession. What if it turns into something on the level of the Great Depression? That would definitely not be the time to be on the singles scene."

The latest anthrax scare, in Connecticut.

Rosling insisted that his decision to put off the breakup is not a selfish one.

"Even though I've realized we're just too different for things to work long-term, I really do care deeply about Allison and wish only the best for her," Rosling said. "If she's going to die, I want to be there for her, too. I would feel so guilty if I dumped her in her final days."

Though he termed the scenario a "long shot," Rosling said he sometimes fears that Ward will break up with him and find a new boyfriend right before a major bio-attack.

"Then the new guy would be with Allison for a whirlwind one-month romance before dying together," Rosling said. "She would be passionately falling in love in a time of doom, living every moment as if it's their last. It might even be that Mark guy she works with. I don't think I could handle that."

Rosling said things might be different if there were "women knocking down [his] door," but that is not—and has never been—the case.

"I've never exactly been the ultimate ladies' man," Rosling said. "So let's say I break up with Allison, and in three months, the whole world ends. I might not be able to find anyone to have sex with for the rest of my life. That would suck so bad."

There are other practical considerations, as well.

"If I break up with Allison, I'd probably move to L.A., where I have this good friend who can give me a job," Rosling said. "But the last place you want to be if there's a smallpox outbreak or a nuclear attack is a major city. No, I'd better stay right here in New Castle with Allison."

Dr. Sheila Durkin, therapist and author of the bestselling crisis-management guide Calm Down!: Staying Sane In An Insane World, said Rosling's behavior is not surprising.

In times of imminent danger, our self-preservation instinct takes over, and we seek out personal bonds that bolster our feelings of security and comfort," Durkin said. "Given the circumstances, it's only natural that Jordan would behave like a spineless, self-centered prick."

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