Breakup Secretly Hilarious To Friends

In This Section

Vol 39 Issue 38

Satan Depressed All Weekend After Man Opts Out Of Casino Trip

UNCASVILLE, CT—Satan, The Father Of Lies, suffered a dispiriting blow Saturday, when potential sinner Jeffrey Kremer chose to forgo a soul-polluting trip to the Mohegan Sun Resort Casino, The Prince Of Darkness said Monday. "I had hoped that the allure of the bright lights and the promise of instant wealth would tempt Kremer into the mortal sin of avarice," a despondent Lucifer said. "Alas, he told his friends that he felt like spending the day hanging out around the house, instead of joining them at the casino. Curses!" Satan said he hopes that Kremer will at least watch softcore pornography on cable before the week is over.

Frustrated Sycophant Can't Figure Out What Boss Wants To Hear

HOUSTON, TX—Associate vice-president Barry Ackerman has been struggling to determine exactly what West Texas Bank CEO William J. Holloway wants to hear, the shameless toady said Monday. "I thought for sure he'd be against Proposition 13, because it allows home-equity lines of credit," said the bootlicking Ackerman. "But when I started slamming it, he told me he supported giving the public greater spending power. I just can't read him." To repair any damage his comment may have done, Ackerman sent Holloway two tickets to The Producers.

Plan To Live In Storage Facility Voiced

LOUISVILLE, KY—Just Sunglasses employee Eric Thorp intrigued coworkers Monday with his ingenious plan to live in a storage-facility unit. "The rent would be, like, 50 bucks a month," Thorp said. "Those things are totally heated in the winter, you know. For another $50, I could join a gym, and shower there." Coworkers could find no significant downside to Thorp's idea, which no one in the world had ever thought of before.

Regular Citizen Heroically Enforces Park's 'No Glass Containers' Rule

LINCOLN, NE—Courageous citizen Gail Wendell went above and beyond the call of civilian duty when she enforced Irvingdale Park's "no glass containers" rule Tuesday. "Excuse me, that bottle is not allowed in this park," said Wendell to Rich Cavanaugh, who was drinking a Snapple. "Read the signs." Wendell last intervened for the common good Monday, when she glared at a Target shopper who failed to use the cart corral.

Schwarzenegger Running Out Of Movie-Related Campaign Slogans

LOS ANGELES—Two months after he announced his candidacy for the California gubernatorial recall election, Arnold Schwarzenegger is running out of movie-related campaign quips. "Government and special-interest groups should not be 'Twins,'" the actor said during the Sept. 24 debate. At a fundraising breakfast Monday, the actor told a confused group of business leaders, "I will 'Jingle All The Way' to Sacramento!" Breakfast attendee Ken Straus said Schwarzenegger "really hit the bottom of the barrel" minutes later, when the actor announced, "In the movies, I played Hercules going bananas. But it's the tax-and-spend Democrats who are really going bananas."

Iran's Nuclear Program

Iran faces an Oct. 31 U.N. deadline to prove that it has no secret atomic-weapons program. What do you think?
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Customer Service

Technology

Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

Breakup Secretly Hilarious To Friends

ATHENS, GA—The inevitable breakup of Henry Loemer and Frieda Jaynes, which occurred publicly on Sept. 25, left almost a dozen local residents secretly amused Monday.

A photo from August shows Jaynes and Loemer in happier times.

"There's nothing funny about this situation—except everything," said Jaynes' best friend Deanna Vodak. "They were a terrible couple and never should've been together in the first place. They fought constantly and had nothing in common, other than they were both lonely and liked fucking. Not that I'd ever say that to their faces."

Jaynes and Loemer met two years ago at the University of Georgia, where they developed a flirtatious friendship based on a shared interest in Tom Robbins novels. The two launched their strained relationship in July with a drunken kiss at a bar, and the subsequent coupling ended a six-month sexual dry spell in each of their lives.

Loemer and Jaynes' torrid relationship came to a hilarious end in front of seven of their friends.

"A group of us went out for drinks at McGarvey's [Tavern]," said Jerry Pittman, a mutual friend of the couple. "We were all having a good time until Frieda took offense at some joke Henry made about the waitress. She sat and glared at him for 10 minutes. It might have made everyone uncomfortable if Frieda hadn't scrunched her face up like a 6-year-old letting everyone know she was mad."

When Jaynes could no longer contain her anger, she chastised Loemer for his failure to acknowledge her feelings. Loemer said he'd be more attentive to her feelings if she'd communicate them, "instead of shutting up like a fucking clam all the time."

"Even that might have slipped under the radar if Henry hadn't turned to Jerry, asked if he looked like a mind reader, and rubbed his temples like a psychic," friend Emily Solie said. "The next thing I knew, Frieda chucked a salt shaker at [Loemer]. But it was a totally weak sidearm throw and the salt hit an empty table to the right of us."

When Jaynes screamed, "There! Can you read that?" the assembled friends could barely conceal their amusement.

The small argument escalated into a screaming match. Jaynes expressed her disgust for Loemer's body, and he called her under-educated and spoiled. The fight ended when Loemer pulled Jaynes' photo out of his wallet, ripped it in half, and stormed out of the bar.

The fact that Loemer and Jaynes were dating for less than three months heightened friends' enjoyment of the frivolous sturm und drang.

"Frieda was devastated," Vodak said. "She kept saying, 'It's over, it's over,' as if we hadn't caught that. Then she called the breakup 'tragic.' We tried to console her, but the moment she went to the bathroom, we all cracked up."

Pittman spent Friday with Loemer to provide his hilariously heartbroken friend with companionship. When the two friends walked past McGarvey's, Loemer choked back tears, while Pittman choked back laughter.

"Henry said he could never set foot in that 'tainted place' again," Pittman said. "I can understand why Henry wouldn't want to go back, but 'tainted'? He acted like nuns had been slaughtered there. And the night they broke up was only the third time we'd ever even been there. I mean, give me a break."

Frequent phone calls and visits have kept friends abreast of the ex-couple's daily tribulations.

"I was talking to Frieda yesterday and she said, 'How could this happen? We were so right for each other,'" Vodak said. "Luckily, I passed off my gasp as a cough. My favorite part was when she said she threw the mix CD Henry made her into the river, as a symbolic rejection of their life together. Oh, man. What a riot!"

Ever since the breakup, the ex-couple's friends have surreptitiously called one another to trade ludicrous details.

"When I was at Henry's house, I heard this message from Frieda demanding $20 for Blockbuster late fees,'" Solie said. "It was this diatribe about how he was going to have to find someone else to support his 'secret Sex And The City habit.' I thought I was hallucinating when I heard that one."

Solie said she and her friends can justify their behavior.

"I'd understand if they'd been soulmates, but they were terrible together," Solie said. "Frieda's a bit of an introvert, and Henry's pretty cocky. When they got together, he transformed into a loud asshole, and she turned into a spiteful, controlling harpy. We like them fine apart, but together, they were ridiculous."

"I still don't know how I've managed not to laugh right in their faces," Solie added. "I'm sure this is going to get old in a week or two, but in the meantime, it's funnier than anything on Conan."

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More