Breakup Secretly Hilarious To Friends

Top Headlines

Local

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.

Area Dad Informs Busboy He’s Ready To Order

NASHUA, NH—Raising his arm into the air while leaning outward from the table in a bid to command attention from the other side of the restaurant, area father Walter Bierko called over a busboy at DiCapri’s Italian Eatery to inform him that he was ready to order, sources reported Wednesday.

Winning Argument With Aging Parents Less Satisfying Than It Once Was

CINCINNATI—After firmly telling them that she was okay paying city prices and that she would not move back to her hometown just because it was cheaper, local woman Ellen Wallace, 40, confirmed Thursday that winning an argument with her parents has become much less satisfying as they have gotten older.

Rescuers Heroically Help Beached Garbage Back Into Ocean

ATLANTIC BEACH, NC—In what many described as an inspiring display of selflessness and teamwork, a group of rescuers heroically saved a beached mound of garbage by helping the stranded trash back into the ocean, eyewitnesses reported Thursday.

Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture

RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side.

Man Pushed Off Plate Of Chicken Wings By Larger Male

WARMINSTER, PA—Looking on as the intense display of aggressive behavior played out over several minutes, sources at Flannigan’s Bar & Grill confirmed Thursday that local man Pete Samuelson was pushed off a plate of buffalo wings by a much larger alpha male.

Grandma Guts It Out Through Lunch On Sunny Patio

MALVERN, PA—Making the audacious decision to dine outdoors with her family despite a noticeable lack of umbrellas or awnings, grandmother Diane McGilvery, 83, reportedly gutted it out through lunch Friday on the sunny patio of a local restaurant.

Parents Formally Announce Transfer Of Expectations To Second Child

GRAND JUNCTION, CO—Explaining that the adjustment made the most practical sense for all parties involved, local parents Beth and Ryan Morgan held a press conference Friday morning to announce the official transfer of expectations from their oldest child, Jeremy, to his younger sibling, Angie.

Motorcyclist Salvaged For Parts

SIOUX FALLS, SD—Following a multiple-vehicle accident on Interstate 90 that temporarily halted traffic in both directions, sources reported Friday that a motorcyclist involved in the crash was hauled off and salvaged for parts.

Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.

Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Originality

Healthy Living

Breakup Secretly Hilarious To Friends

ATHENS, GA—The inevitable breakup of Henry Loemer and Frieda Jaynes, which occurred publicly on Sept. 25, left almost a dozen local residents secretly amused Monday.

A photo from August shows Jaynes and Loemer in happier times.

"There's nothing funny about this situation—except everything," said Jaynes' best friend Deanna Vodak. "They were a terrible couple and never should've been together in the first place. They fought constantly and had nothing in common, other than they were both lonely and liked fucking. Not that I'd ever say that to their faces."

Jaynes and Loemer met two years ago at the University of Georgia, where they developed a flirtatious friendship based on a shared interest in Tom Robbins novels. The two launched their strained relationship in July with a drunken kiss at a bar, and the subsequent coupling ended a six-month sexual dry spell in each of their lives.

Loemer and Jaynes' torrid relationship came to a hilarious end in front of seven of their friends.

"A group of us went out for drinks at McGarvey's [Tavern]," said Jerry Pittman, a mutual friend of the couple. "We were all having a good time until Frieda took offense at some joke Henry made about the waitress. She sat and glared at him for 10 minutes. It might have made everyone uncomfortable if Frieda hadn't scrunched her face up like a 6-year-old letting everyone know she was mad."

When Jaynes could no longer contain her anger, she chastised Loemer for his failure to acknowledge her feelings. Loemer said he'd be more attentive to her feelings if she'd communicate them, "instead of shutting up like a fucking clam all the time."

"Even that might have slipped under the radar if Henry hadn't turned to Jerry, asked if he looked like a mind reader, and rubbed his temples like a psychic," friend Emily Solie said. "The next thing I knew, Frieda chucked a salt shaker at [Loemer]. But it was a totally weak sidearm throw and the salt hit an empty table to the right of us."

When Jaynes screamed, "There! Can you read that?" the assembled friends could barely conceal their amusement.

The small argument escalated into a screaming match. Jaynes expressed her disgust for Loemer's body, and he called her under-educated and spoiled. The fight ended when Loemer pulled Jaynes' photo out of his wallet, ripped it in half, and stormed out of the bar.

The fact that Loemer and Jaynes were dating for less than three months heightened friends' enjoyment of the frivolous sturm und drang.

"Frieda was devastated," Vodak said. "She kept saying, 'It's over, it's over,' as if we hadn't caught that. Then she called the breakup 'tragic.' We tried to console her, but the moment she went to the bathroom, we all cracked up."

Pittman spent Friday with Loemer to provide his hilariously heartbroken friend with companionship. When the two friends walked past McGarvey's, Loemer choked back tears, while Pittman choked back laughter.

"Henry said he could never set foot in that 'tainted place' again," Pittman said. "I can understand why Henry wouldn't want to go back, but 'tainted'? He acted like nuns had been slaughtered there. And the night they broke up was only the third time we'd ever even been there. I mean, give me a break."

Frequent phone calls and visits have kept friends abreast of the ex-couple's daily tribulations.

"I was talking to Frieda yesterday and she said, 'How could this happen? We were so right for each other,'" Vodak said. "Luckily, I passed off my gasp as a cough. My favorite part was when she said she threw the mix CD Henry made her into the river, as a symbolic rejection of their life together. Oh, man. What a riot!"

Ever since the breakup, the ex-couple's friends have surreptitiously called one another to trade ludicrous details.

"When I was at Henry's house, I heard this message from Frieda demanding $20 for Blockbuster late fees,'" Solie said. "It was this diatribe about how he was going to have to find someone else to support his 'secret Sex And The City habit.' I thought I was hallucinating when I heard that one."

Solie said she and her friends can justify their behavior.

"I'd understand if they'd been soulmates, but they were terrible together," Solie said. "Frieda's a bit of an introvert, and Henry's pretty cocky. When they got together, he transformed into a loud asshole, and she turned into a spiteful, controlling harpy. We like them fine apart, but together, they were ridiculous."

"I still don't know how I've managed not to laugh right in their faces," Solie added. "I'm sure this is going to get old in a week or two, but in the meantime, it's funnier than anything on Conan."