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The Onion Introduces: The Book Bjorn

Replete with an astonishing assemblage of facts, illustrations, maps, charts, threats, blood and additional fees to edify even the most simple-minded book-buyer, The Onion Book Of Known Knowledge is packed with valuable information--such as the life stage...

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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Brett Butler Now Nation's Most Stable Female Celebrity

LOS ANGELES—With Hollywood starlets facing new troubles this year—Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie serving jail time, Lindsay Lohan entering rehab, and Britney Spears losing custody of her children due to substance abuse and reckless behavior—former Grace Under Fire star and pill-popping, chain-smoking, twice-divorced drunk driver Brett Butler has become America's de facto sweetheart.

Butler, a relative pillar of normalcy.

"Not once in 2007 was Brett Butler arrested, seen exposing her genitals in public, or featured drunk and high on the cover of a tabloid magazine," celebrity insider Dianne Newton said. "In fact, Brett Butler has not been photographed at all since 1999."

"Thank you, Ms. Butler," Newton added. "Finally, there is someone whom young girls can truly look up to as a role model."

Though Butler has had her share of problems in the past, her publicist, Cindy Brenneman, proudly noted that Butler has been sober for three years, no longer abuses sleeping pills, and rarely leaves her house.

"Brett is doing relatively great," Brenneman said. "She has shown incredible class and integrity recently by not getting wildly intoxicated and climbing behind the wheel of a car without a license, abusing narcotics to the point that she is putting her own children's lives in danger, sobbing uncontrollably on live television about a puppy, or killing a man in cold blood, like Home Improvement's Patricia Richardson did in July."

Despite her current state, however, experts predict that the exposure Butler will receive from being thrust once again into the national spotlight will likely send her spiraling into a drug-fueled depression and will be capped by a fatal overdose of painkillers in her Miami hotel room early next year.

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