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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Brett Favre Claims He's One Loss Away From Career-Ending Injury

EDEN PRAIRIE, MN—Though Vikings quarterback Brett Favre confirmed his ailing right shoulder was "no big deal right now" and that the broken bones in his left foot were "uncomfortable but endurable" for the moment, the three-time MVP told reporters Thursday that one more loss could exacerbate his injuries to the point where he would have to retire. "At this level, and at my age, it would take just one game-breaking play—a deep pass, a long run, anything—by the opposing offense to aggravate an injury to the point where I can't go on," said Favre, who later claimed his injuries become more serious with each defeat he suffers. "It's entirely possible for any given team on our schedule to outscore me so badly I can't physically continue my heroic streak of consecutive starts." Favre also added that any victory he led the 3-6 Vikings to this season would be an amazing display of toughness.

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