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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Brett Favre Mails Arm To Vikings

HATTIESBURG, MS—Retired quarterback Brett Favre mailed his throwing arm to the Vikings Tuesday, sending the record-setting limb to the team's headquarters for evaluation in hopes of signing with Minnesota. "I made sure to bubble-wrap it, and I stuck a couple big chunks of dry ice in the envelope, so it should be fine," said Favre, who sent the appendage after the Vikings expressed health concerns with the potential signing of the 39-year-old quarterback. "Once the Vikings examine it, I'm sure they'll find that my throwing arm has no structural damage. The doctors who cut it off said it looked great." According to James "Bus" Cook, Favre's agent, the three-time MVP is unlikely to come out of retirement if the Vikings believe that his amputated throwing arm will require major surgery.

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