adBlockCheck

Sports

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
End Of Section
  • More News

Brett Favre Still Taking Post-Game Shower

GREEN BAY, WI—The Packers confirmed Wednesday evening that quarterback Brett Favre had yet to emerge from the Lambeau Field locker-room shower he entered roughly an hour after throwing the game-sealing interception against the Giants in the NFC Championship game. "We aren't worried about him quite yet. He's been here before," head coach Mike McCarthy told reporters, politely declining their requests to speak to the three-time MVP. "We can hear him in there chewing himself out, shouting strings of curses, and occasionally breaking into a mournful version of 'Friends In Low Places,' so we know he's okay. He's just got some stuff to work out is all." Favre, who has yet to announce whether or not he will return for another season, has thus far limited his public statements to daily requests for the stadium's hot water to be turned back on.

More from this section

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close