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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Brett Favre Still Taking Post-Game Shower

GREEN BAY, WI—The Packers confirmed Wednesday evening that quarterback Brett Favre had yet to emerge from the Lambeau Field locker-room shower he entered roughly an hour after throwing the game-sealing interception against the Giants in the NFC Championship game. "We aren't worried about him quite yet. He's been here before," head coach Mike McCarthy told reporters, politely declining their requests to speak to the three-time MVP. "We can hear him in there chewing himself out, shouting strings of curses, and occasionally breaking into a mournful version of 'Friends In Low Places,' so we know he's okay. He's just got some stuff to work out is all." Favre, who has yet to announce whether or not he will return for another season, has thus far limited his public statements to daily requests for the stadium's hot water to be turned back on.

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