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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Brett Myers Atones For Punching Wife With Solid Seven-Inning Outing

SAN FRANCISCO—Three weeks after hitting his wife on a Boston street, Phillies pitcher Brett Myers made up for the costly miscue by coming back strong and tossing seven quality innings en route to a 6-2 victory over the Giants Sunday. "When you let your emotions get the best of you and make a silly error like Brett did when he repeatedly struck his wife in the face, the only way to atone for it is to get right back on the baseball field, put that past performance behind you, and pitch deep into an important game while maintaining consistent velocity and pinpoint control," manager Charlie Manuel said. "This outing is exactly what Bretty needed to get the fans to stop thinking about him as someone who physically abuses his spouse." Philadelphia fans and media, who had earlier called for a public apology from Myers, have dropped this demand in light of Myers' impressive total of seven strikeouts.

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