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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Brewers Worried Ryan Braun Suspension Might Put Season In Jeopardy

MILWAUKEE—Following news that Milwaukee Brewers outfielder Ryan Braun will sit out the rest of 2013 due to his alleged involvement with performance-enhancing drug supplier Biogenesis, the power hitter's teammates told reporters Tuesday that they were concerned his suspension could put the remainder of the 41-57 ball club’s season in jeopardy. “This team is built around Ryan, and I can already tell that we’re going to face an uphill battle without him,” said starting second baseman Rickie Weeks, emphasizing that he “just couldn't imagine” the team that currently possesses the second-worst record in the National League lasting very long in the postseason without the five-time All-Star. “Obviously, there’s a lot of talent in this clubhouse, but the fact is that everything we’ve been able to do so far this season has been because of Ryan. No doubt about it, we’re in trouble. I don’t know how we could play in the World Series without him.” When reached for comment, Braun told reporters that he believed his team would be able to perform just as well without him.

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