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Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Brian Cashman Saves Job With Eight Shutout Innings

NEW YORK—As Brian Cashman watched another Yankees starting pitcher struggle during the first inning during Tuesday's game against the Blue Jays, the embattled general manager found himself unable to endure the tension any further, ripped off his tie and Oxford shirt to reveal a No. 99 Yankees jersey, and stormed onto the field to pitch eight scoreless innings. "The amazing thing is that besides Mr. Cashman having absolutely no playing experience, he didn't even warm up," Yankees pitching coach Ron Guidry said during a post-game press conference. "He wanted to go the whole game, and sure, I got booed when I pulled him, but I could see him losing a little edge on his curve[ball] around his 100th pitch and we need to save his arm for the rest of the season." Though Cashman's stellar performance received praise and admiration from Yankees fans, it was overshadowed in the national press by Washington GM Jim Bowden's complete game one-hitter.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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