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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Brian Urlacher Confident He'll Be Ready To Sit Out Opener

CHICAGO—Bears middle linebacker Brian Urlacher told reporters Saturday that he felt confident about being ready to sit out the team's season opener against the Colts, insisting that a sprained MCL would not prevent him from taking part in any action on the bench. "I'll be 100 percent, sitting down, checking it out from the sidelines," Urlacher said. "My goal for Sept. 9 is to be cleared for all football-watching activities, such as looking, clapping, and cheering. I can't wait to start hitting the bench. Bears fans better be prepared for some hard sitting." Despite Urlacher's enthusiasm, Bears coach Lovie Smith was reportedly pessimistic about the linebacker's chances of standing on the sidelines anytime before week six.

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