adBlockCheck

Brian Urlacher Out Four To Six Weeks With Excuses

Top Headlines

Sports

Report: Gonzaga’s In Washington, Right?

NEW YORK—Ahead of the team’s first-round game against Seton Hall in the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament, a new report released Thursday revealed that Gonzaga is in Washington state, right?

Teary-Eyed Robert Griffin III Slips On Draft Day Suit Again

WASHINGTON—With several tears streaming down his face as he stood alone in his bedroom’s walk-in closet, sources confirmed Wednesday that former Washington Redskins quarterback Robert Griffin III slipped on the suit he wore to the 2012 NFL Draft.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Originality

Brian Urlacher Out Four To Six Weeks With Excuses

CHICAGO—Bears team officials announced Tuesday that middle linebacker Brian Urlacher, who has been largely ineffective in Chicago's recent losses, will miss at least the next month with a variety of medical and personal excuses. "Brian has this pain in his back that might be arthritis or a muscle pull, but he keeps saying it really hurts," Chicago head coach Lovie Smith told reporters. "Then I guess he has all this heavy-duty crap going on with his ex-wife, he says the mothers of some of his other kids need straightening out, I don't know, maybe he misses Paris Hilton, but for the next few games, these excuses will keep him from coming in at the ends of plays and hitting the guys [Bears linebacker] Lance Briggs was already tackling." Urlacher himself refused to comment due to what he said was the sudden and tragic death of his grandmother.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close