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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Brian Urlacher Out Four To Six Weeks With Excuses

CHICAGO—Bears team officials announced Tuesday that middle linebacker Brian Urlacher, who has been largely ineffective in Chicago's recent losses, will miss at least the next month with a variety of medical and personal excuses. "Brian has this pain in his back that might be arthritis or a muscle pull, but he keeps saying it really hurts," Chicago head coach Lovie Smith told reporters. "Then I guess he has all this heavy-duty crap going on with his ex-wife, he says the mothers of some of his other kids need straightening out, I don't know, maybe he misses Paris Hilton, but for the next few games, these excuses will keep him from coming in at the ends of plays and hitting the guys [Bears linebacker] Lance Briggs was already tackling." Urlacher himself refused to comment due to what he said was the sudden and tragic death of his grandmother.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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