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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Brian Urlacher Retires With Plenty Of Injuries Left In The Tank

CHICAGO—Iconic Bears middle linebacker Brian Urlacher officially announced his retirement from the NFL Wednesday, despite acknowledging that he still had “a lot of injuries left in the tank.” “I’ve decided that now is the time to end my playing career, even though I’m very confident that I could continue suffering injuries at a high level for a couple more seasons,” Urlacher wrote in a statement to reporters, adding that his decision largely hinged on the fact that he could no longer get hurt playing for the Bears. “I’m still very much capable of going out there and straining my hamstrings, fracturing the bones in my arms, and tearing my knee ligaments. And there’s no doubt in my mind that I could be listed as questionable for 16 games next season, but after 13 years in the league, my choice to retire is final.” Urlacher went on to thank the Bears organization and fans, claiming that he will “never forget” the time he spent on the team’s sidelines last season.

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