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Patriotic Teen Fails Spanish

Jean Anne Whorton goes Beyond The Facts, talking to the high school sophomore who has become a conservative hero for refusing to learn his Spanish vocabulary.

MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Brian Urlacher Theorizes Saturn Might Have Playoff Atmosphere

CHICAGO—Bears middle linebacker Brian Urlacher posited a new theory to his teammates Wednesday, speculating that the rapid rotation of Saturn, coupled with the planet's extreme conditions, greatly increase the likelihood that the gas giant has an amazing playoff atmosphere. "If I was on the visiting team, I wouldn't want to go there for a postseason game, because the environment would be incredibly hostile," Urlacher said. "The pressure just gets more intense the deeper you go, and the whole place just gets totally raucous because you've got to contend with 500 mph winds. Plus, the surface probably gets really slippery from the helium rain. Any team from Saturn who gets home-field advantage would make it to the Super Bowl easy." Although Urlacher claimed that the high concentration of hydrogen and trace amounts of methane, ammonia, phosphine, and acetylene would leave players gasping for breath, quarterback Jay Cutler insisted the thin Rocky Mountain air made INVESCO Field at Mile High a harder place to play.

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