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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Brian Urlacher Theorizes Saturn Might Have Playoff Atmosphere

CHICAGO—Bears middle linebacker Brian Urlacher posited a new theory to his teammates Wednesday, speculating that the rapid rotation of Saturn, coupled with the planet's extreme conditions, greatly increase the likelihood that the gas giant has an amazing playoff atmosphere. "If I was on the visiting team, I wouldn't want to go there for a postseason game, because the environment would be incredibly hostile," Urlacher said. "The pressure just gets more intense the deeper you go, and the whole place just gets totally raucous because you've got to contend with 500 mph winds. Plus, the surface probably gets really slippery from the helium rain. Any team from Saturn who gets home-field advantage would make it to the Super Bowl easy." Although Urlacher claimed that the high concentration of hydrogen and trace amounts of methane, ammonia, phosphine, and acetylene would leave players gasping for breath, quarterback Jay Cutler insisted the thin Rocky Mountain air made INVESCO Field at Mile High a harder place to play.

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