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Brian Urlacher Theorizes Saturn Might Have Playoff Atmosphere

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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Brian Urlacher Theorizes Saturn Might Have Playoff Atmosphere

CHICAGO—Bears middle linebacker Brian Urlacher posited a new theory to his teammates Wednesday, speculating that the rapid rotation of Saturn, coupled with the planet's extreme conditions, greatly increase the likelihood that the gas giant has an amazing playoff atmosphere. "If I was on the visiting team, I wouldn't want to go there for a postseason game, because the environment would be incredibly hostile," Urlacher said. "The pressure just gets more intense the deeper you go, and the whole place just gets totally raucous because you've got to contend with 500 mph winds. Plus, the surface probably gets really slippery from the helium rain. Any team from Saturn who gets home-field advantage would make it to the Super Bowl easy." Although Urlacher claimed that the high concentration of hydrogen and trace amounts of methane, ammonia, phosphine, and acetylene would leave players gasping for breath, quarterback Jay Cutler insisted the thin Rocky Mountain air made INVESCO Field at Mile High a harder place to play.

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