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Scientology Minister Accused Of Molesting Thetans

The Church of Scientology plunged into scandal Thursday when Frank D. Linehan, a prominent minister who has helped thousands of parishioners move up the Bridge to Total Freedom and achieve Clear, was arrested on 471 charges of molesting alien thetans.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.
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Bribery Suspected After 2022 World Cup Moved To Richard Branson’s Backyard

ZURICH, SWITZERLAND—With continued controversy surrounding the awarding of the 2022 World Cup, fresh reports of bribery and corruption surfaced Friday after it was revealed that the tournament had been moved from original host country Qatar to the backyard of billionaire business mogul Richard Branson. “The decision to move the World Cup was made solely in the best interests of the sport, and these recent accusations of wrongdoing are simply not true,” FIFA president Sepp Blatter said in response to the allegations, staunchly denying claims that officials from soccer’s international governing body received millions of dollars in kickbacks to host the tournament on Branson’s 2.7-million-square-foot backyard in the remote British Virgin Islands. “In the 84-year history of this competition, the World Cup has never been held on the personal property of Richard Branson, and it will do wonders for growing the sport of football in that region of the world. Sadly, these are all baseless reports intended merely to disrupt our plan to bring the World Cup to new and exciting places.” Before departing the press conference, Blatter then quickly added that the tournament will also be renamed the Branson Cup and broadcast exclusively aboard Virgin Atlantic aircraft.

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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