PHILADELPHIA—A psychotic study authored by deranged researchers at the University of Pennsylvania confirmed Thursday that “the bricks…the bricks are goddamned everywhere.”
Written in a reported four days, the 20,000-page document states that all we have to do is open our goddamn eyes because the bricks have been right in front of our faces the whole time, and later goes on to say that the bricks are not our friends, that they never were our friends, and that if they act like they want to be our friends they are lying.
More and more bricks are coming, the report states.
“Look all around you, really look, and you will see the bricks,” the study read in part, adding that, no matter how hard one tries, there is no escaping the bricks. “Once you see them, they are there forever. Gawking at you. Knowing that they have the upper hand. Sprint as fast as you can to the nearest park to get away from the bricks, turn around, and the bricks will be there. Or were they there the entire time?”
“Bricks,” the psychotic report continued. “Bricks everywhere. Bricks, bricks, bricks, bricks, bricks, bricks, bricks, [approx. 300,000 words omitted], bricks, bricks.”
According to the study, the bricks are very intelligent, are constantly evolving, and have figured out a way to become visible even when you close your eyes, even when you think there could be no bricks. Unbalanced researchers confirmed that when the bricks appear, which is always, they stack themselves and then rearrange into different structures like arches, almost as if they are showing off.
The bricks are reportedly most powerful at night, cannot be destroyed, and, researchers said, only talk whenever they form a face—typically that of a parent or former schoolteacher—and even then only use their mortar-formed mouths to let out a high-pitched shriek or emit a low, monotone laugh.
Every day, the demented survey confirmed, 10 million more bricks are created “sexually, asexually, it doesn’t really fucking matter how, now does it? Because they’re there and they’re not leaving until they get what they came for.”
“The bricks are communicating with one another, no question about it,” said the study’s lead author Dr. Paul Gilpin, who was one of three researchers on the five-person team who didn’t commit suicide by the time the report was released. “I think it has something to do with the holes in the bricks. Perhaps in the holes lies their weakness?”
“Either way,” Dr. Gilpin added, “the bricks have indicated that they would like me to kill my family this evening, and I will do so.”
While authorities nationwide have confirmed no sightings of 5,000-foot brick walls suddenly appearing out of nowhere or armies of bricks camping outside one’s front door waiting for the homeowner to emerge, researchers said there are a few tactics one can employ so as not to frustrate or anger the bricks.
One, the unhinged study said, is to be quiet around the bricks. Second, screaming makes them nervous. And third, if one is going to feed the bricks, fruit is best.
Bricks that can fly, the report stated, have no weakness because they fly very fast.
“One thing we discovered is that there are evil bricks and good bricks,” said visibly unnerved researcher Dr. Erin Lorimer, adding that several nights ago the bricks appeared and formed a 50-foot well around her, leaving her at the bottom with no escape. “Unfortunately, the evil bricks far outnumber the good bricks. And the good ones are far too scared to mount any sort of brick uprising. I know this because I’ve asked them.”
While the study concluded that there is no doubt the bricks will take over the world, what the bricks want to do with their power remains the question.
“I don’t think they want to govern; that doesn’t seem like them,” Dr. Lorimer said. “My fear is that they are happy doing exactly what they are doing. Terrorizing us. Tormenting us. Letting us know that, no matter what, they are in charge, they have the upper hand.”
“Shh,” she added, a tear coming to her eye. “They’re here.”