‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Bride Always Dreamed About Making Fiancé’s Friends Sweat Asses Off In Fucking Sun

NASHVILLE, TN—Noting that the small detail was crucial for creating her ideal fairy-tale wedding, 30-year-old bride Anna Reed confirmed Thursday that she had always dreamed about making her fiancé’s friends sweat their goddamn asses off in the fucking sun. “Ever since I was a little girl, I’ve pictured a few of my future husband’s college buddies and maybe a coworker or two standing by his side in full three-piece tuxedos just sweating balls in the oppressive fucking heat as I walk down the aisle,” said Reed, adding that she always imagined the blistering August day when the squinting, grimacing groomsmen slowly succumbed to goddamn heatstroke while she took her sweet-ass time saying her vows. “Some people make a big fuss over their wedding, but I wanted a simple event where the red-faced, perspiration-drenched friends of the man I’ll be spending the rest of my life with are on the verge of passing out after having the fucking sun beat down on them for the entire 25-minute ceremony.” Overcome with emotion, Reed went on to say that she had also fantasized about getting guests she didn’t even know that well to shell out a shit-ton of money to travel to her annoying-as-fuck destination wedding.

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