adBlockCheck

Recent News

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
End Of Section
  • More News

'Bridge To 21st Century' Crap Forgotten

WASHINGTON, DC—Offering a bold new vision for post-1996 presidential election America, President Clinton unveiled a new plan Monday to forget about that "Bridge To The 21st Century" crap.

At a White House press conference, President Clinton explains the details of his new "Forget About All That 21st Century Bridge Crap" plan.

"My fellow Americans," Clinton said, "the time has come for all of us to erase all that bullshit from our minds. I am fully confident that if we all work together, by the end of the week we can forget I ever said that crap."

"While those stirring words appeared to come from my heart," Clinton added, "they in fact originated from my ass."

The phrase "Bridge To The 21st Century," used widely during last fall's presidential election and this January's inauguration, was the result of exhaustive White House test-market research. Thousands of phone surveys were conducted in which randomly selected Americans were asked to rate three phrases—"Bridge To The 21st Century"; "Footpath To The Future"; and "Trail To Tomorrow"—according to a number of criteria, including vision, inspirational power and ease of memorization.

As part of his new plan, Clinton said he will create a committee whose purpose is "to develop special new bullshit that will, in its turn, eventually be forgotten as well."

"I firmly believe that what my speechwriters were trying to say when they put those words into my mouth was that America stands on the verge of something great, or something," Clinton said. "At the time, it was crucial that America focus on that vision, because I needed to get re-elected. But that election is long past, and I cannot run again. So what America needs to do now is to drop that shit."

"I do not know what my speechwriters will have me say in the future," Clinton said. "But whatever it is, it is up to all of us as Americans to embrace it, and leave all that other crap from before behind."

More from this section

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close