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A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.
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'Bridge To 21st Century' Crap Forgotten

WASHINGTON, DC—Offering a bold new vision for post-1996 presidential election America, President Clinton unveiled a new plan Monday to forget about that "Bridge To The 21st Century" crap.

At a White House press conference, President Clinton explains the details of his new "Forget About All That 21st Century Bridge Crap" plan.

"My fellow Americans," Clinton said, "the time has come for all of us to erase all that bullshit from our minds. I am fully confident that if we all work together, by the end of the week we can forget I ever said that crap."

"While those stirring words appeared to come from my heart," Clinton added, "they in fact originated from my ass."

The phrase "Bridge To The 21st Century," used widely during last fall's presidential election and this January's inauguration, was the result of exhaustive White House test-market research. Thousands of phone surveys were conducted in which randomly selected Americans were asked to rate three phrases—"Bridge To The 21st Century"; "Footpath To The Future"; and "Trail To Tomorrow"—according to a number of criteria, including vision, inspirational power and ease of memorization.

As part of his new plan, Clinton said he will create a committee whose purpose is "to develop special new bullshit that will, in its turn, eventually be forgotten as well."

"I firmly believe that what my speechwriters were trying to say when they put those words into my mouth was that America stands on the verge of something great, or something," Clinton said. "At the time, it was crucial that America focus on that vision, because I needed to get re-elected. But that election is long past, and I cannot run again. So what America needs to do now is to drop that shit."

"I do not know what my speechwriters will have me say in the future," Clinton said. "But whatever it is, it is up to all of us as Americans to embrace it, and leave all that other crap from before behind."

More from this section

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

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