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'Bridge To 21st Century' Crap Forgotten

WASHINGTON, DC—Offering a bold new vision for post-1996 presidential election America, President Clinton unveiled a new plan Monday to forget about that "Bridge To The 21st Century" crap.

At a White House press conference, President Clinton explains the details of his new "Forget About All That 21st Century Bridge Crap" plan.

"My fellow Americans," Clinton said, "the time has come for all of us to erase all that bullshit from our minds. I am fully confident that if we all work together, by the end of the week we can forget I ever said that crap."

"While those stirring words appeared to come from my heart," Clinton added, "they in fact originated from my ass."

The phrase "Bridge To The 21st Century," used widely during last fall's presidential election and this January's inauguration, was the result of exhaustive White House test-market research. Thousands of phone surveys were conducted in which randomly selected Americans were asked to rate three phrases—"Bridge To The 21st Century"; "Footpath To The Future"; and "Trail To Tomorrow"—according to a number of criteria, including vision, inspirational power and ease of memorization.

As part of his new plan, Clinton said he will create a committee whose purpose is "to develop special new bullshit that will, in its turn, eventually be forgotten as well."

"I firmly believe that what my speechwriters were trying to say when they put those words into my mouth was that America stands on the verge of something great, or something," Clinton said. "At the time, it was crucial that America focus on that vision, because I needed to get re-elected. But that election is long past, and I cannot run again. So what America needs to do now is to drop that shit."

"I do not know what my speechwriters will have me say in the future," Clinton said. "But whatever it is, it is up to all of us as Americans to embrace it, and leave all that other crap from before behind."

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New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.

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