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Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Brief Moment Of Lucidity Called Panic Attack

JEFFERSON CITY, MO—Following a brief episode Friday during which he became physically debilitated by a flood of worries about his struggles in his career, romantic failings, and his own fragile mortality, sources confirmed that local man Evan Turoff referred to the passing moment of clarity about his real and ongoing problems as a “panic attack.” “Whoa, that was terrifying,” said Turoff of the paralyzing minute-long experience during which he sweated profusely and his heartbeat accelerated as he made a clear-eyed appraisal of the personal and professional troubles in his life that he routinely minimizes or denies outright and saw them for the tragically insurmountable hurdles they are. “Man, I’m glad that’s over. I was nearly hyperventilating for a second there. That was a bad one.” At press time, Turoff reported feeling relieved after returning to a pleasing, normal state of delusion about his myriad faults and failures, and allowing himself to become pleasantly preoccupied with lunch.

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