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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Brief Moment Of Lucidity Called Panic Attack

JEFFERSON CITY, MO—Following a brief episode Friday during which he became physically debilitated by a flood of worries about his struggles in his career, romantic failings, and his own fragile mortality, sources confirmed that local man Evan Turoff referred to the passing moment of clarity about his real and ongoing problems as a “panic attack.” “Whoa, that was terrifying,” said Turoff of the paralyzing minute-long experience during which he sweated profusely and his heartbeat accelerated as he made a clear-eyed appraisal of the personal and professional troubles in his life that he routinely minimizes or denies outright and saw them for the tragically insurmountable hurdles they are. “Man, I’m glad that’s over. I was nearly hyperventilating for a second there. That was a bad one.” At press time, Turoff reported feeling relieved after returning to a pleasing, normal state of delusion about his myriad faults and failures, and allowing himself to become pleasantly preoccupied with lunch.

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