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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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Bristol Palin Interview Accidentally Reveals Mother's 15 Abortions

WASILLA, AK—Sarah Palin's political team was forced to do emergency damage control Monday after the former Alaska governor's daughter Bristol accidentally divulged on live television that her mother has undergone at least 15 abortions over the past 30 years. "She's always telling me how special I am, especially considering the five or six babies she aborted before I was born," Palin, 20, said during a CNN interview in which she was asked if she thought her mother would make a good president. "Then of course there were the twins she aborted shortly after having me, another four abortions after Willow somehow survived hers—but anyway, she's a wonderful mom. She just gets pregnant a lot and doesn't always want to have the baby." Palin also commended her mother's strength in carrying three babies with Down syndrome to term, and then even choosing not to give Trig up for adoption like the others.

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