adBlockCheck

International

Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.

North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Nuclear Warhead Thrilled For Chance To Finally Escape North Korea

PYONGYANG—Saying its spirits were immediately buoyed upon hearing Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s recent statement that the military was close to developing an intercontinental ballistic missile, a North Korean nuclear warhead reported Tuesday that it was thrilled for the chance to finally escape the country.
End Of Section
  • More News

British Empire To Be Reduced To 8 Acres Around Buckingham Palace By 2050

LONDON—Projecting from the rate of territorial decline over the last two centuries, experts predicted Thursday that the British Empire will be reduced to an area of eight acres surrounding Buckingham Palace by as early as 2050. “Considering the loss of its colonial possessions around the world over the years, as well as Scotland’s current independence campaign, we project that the once vast and mighty British Empire will soon reach only a few hundred feet beyond the property lines of the royal palace,” said Oxford University political science professor Patrick Withers, adding that within 35 years, the sum total of British-held territory will likely extend from Upper Belgrave St. a few blocks west of Buckingham Palace to just a small fraction of St. James’s Park to the east. “According to even the most generous estimates, the England of 2050 will no longer include the British Museum, most of the River Thames, or the Houses of Parliament, which will present extraordinary difficulties in governance and sustaining British identity at all.” Withers went on to say that within 100 years, the British Empire may be reduced to the Queen’s throne room and part of the hallway outside.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close