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British Royal Family Places Queen Elizabeth In Nursing Home

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‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.
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British Royal Family Places Queen Elizabeth In Nursing Home

LONDON—Concluding it was the best way to ensure she remains comfortable during her twilight years, the British Royal Family recently placed Queen Elizabeth II into a local nursing home, sources confirmed Wednesday. “Members of the Royal Family are in agreement that they simply do not have the time or resources to personally provide Her Majesty with the type of constant care she needs and deserves at this point,” said a Buckingham Palace spokesman, adding that the family had selected a facility within the city of London in order to make monthly visits from her children and grandchildren feasible. “The Queen has never wanted to be a burden, and with this arrangement she will be surrounded by others at a similar stage in their lives. While the accommodations are perhaps not what she is accustomed to, she will no doubt enjoy the many organized activities, such as movie night and occasional excursions to the shopping mall.” At press time, Prince Charles was assuring his irate mother that she would be put in a private room as soon as one was available.

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