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North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Nuclear Warhead Thrilled For Chance To Finally Escape North Korea

PYONGYANG—Saying its spirits were immediately buoyed upon hearing Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s recent statement that the military was close to developing an intercontinental ballistic missile, a North Korean nuclear warhead reported Tuesday that it was thrilled for the chance to finally escape the country.

Pope Francis Carves Roast Cherub For Vatican Christmas Dinner

VATICAN CITY—After pulling a probe thermometer from its thigh and tasting a piece of crispy golden-brown skin, Pope Francis began carving a slow-roasted 18-pound cherub for the Vatican’s annual Christmas feast, sources within the Holy See reported Sunday.

Vatican Putting Out Feelers For How Public Would React To Another Children’s Crusade

VATICAN CITY—Saying they had been giving some thought recently to the idea of sending legions of Christian boys and girls to retake the Holy Land and wanted to gauge the level of support, Vatican officials reportedly began putting out feelers Wednesday to determine how the public might react to another Children’s Crusade, much as was attempted in the year 1212.
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British Royal Family Places Queen Elizabeth In Nursing Home

LONDON—Concluding it was the best way to ensure she remains comfortable during her twilight years, the British Royal Family recently placed Queen Elizabeth II into a local nursing home, sources confirmed Wednesday. “Members of the Royal Family are in agreement that they simply do not have the time or resources to personally provide Her Majesty with the type of constant care she needs and deserves at this point,” said a Buckingham Palace spokesman, adding that the family had selected a facility within the city of London in order to make monthly visits from her children and grandchildren feasible. “The Queen has never wanted to be a burden, and with this arrangement she will be surrounded by others at a similar stage in their lives. While the accommodations are perhaps not what she is accustomed to, she will no doubt enjoy the many organized activities, such as movie night and occasional excursions to the shopping mall.” At press time, Prince Charles was assuring his irate mother that she would be put in a private room as soon as one was available.

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