British Royal Family Sadly Announces Death Of Prince Charming

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Vol 49 Issue 48

Infertile Aunt Doing It Up Big At Kids Table

CHICOPEE, MA—Eliciting repeated waves of laughter and making sure to include everyone in her lively conversations, local aunt Gina Coleman, a childless and infertile woman, is really hamming it up at the kids table this Thanksgiving, sources have co...

Nation Celebrates Thanksgiving

All across the country, Americans are gathering with their loved ones to celebrate Thanksgiving. What are you thankful for this year?

Comet Could Light Up Sky In Northern Hemisphere

The comet ISON will fly close to the sun on Thursday, and if it manages to survive without being ripped apart, astronomers say the celestial body could produce a brilliant spectacle in the Northern Hemisphere that’s visible to the naked eye througho...

School Teacher Not About To Risk Her Life For Derek

CLARKSVILLE, TN—Saying she felt no responsibility whatsoever to protect the 14-year-old student if it meant dying for the kid, local East Parkview High School history teacher Angela Wells told reporters today that in the event of a school shooting, ...

The Onion’s Tips For Traveling Over The Holidays

You never know when you’ll get stranded at an airport or train station, so make sure you don’t go hungry by packing two large burlap sacks full of steak meat and apples. Exchange knowing glances with the TSA agent. You’re one of the goo...

Total Nerd Actually Owns His Own Computer

PROVIDENCE, RI—Matthew Jorgensen, a complete and total nerd who sources speculate likely has no tangible social life, actually both owns and regularly uses his own personal computer, reports from those with knowledge of Jorgensen’s geeky hobby...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

British Royal Family Sadly Announces Death Of Prince Charming

LONDON—Prince Charming, 32, died from heart failure on Tuesday, November 26, 2013 at St. Mary’s Hospital, according to an official statement released by the British Royal Family. “His Royal Highness, Prince Charming of York, passed away this morning at approximately 9:33 GMT surrounded by close family and friends,” spokesperson Margaret Embridge solemnly told reporters, adding that a vigil for the beloved son of England would be held this Sunday following a private funeral outside his ancestral home in Wolsingham. “He will be remembered for his unrivaled handsomeness, courage, gallantry, flowing dark hair, dashing demeanor, chivalry, utter desirability, sartorial elegance, valor, pluck, pride, daring, prowess, heroism, refinement, majesty, swordplay, horsemanship, talent for rescue, aversion to villainy, seraphic smile, and of course charm.” Charming is survived by his noble steed, Samson; his wife, Priscilla; and his brother, Prince Valiant.

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