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After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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Britney Spears Loses Custody Of Child To In Touch Magazine

LOS ANGELES—Caseworkers from the California Department Of Social Services escorted Sutton Pierce Federline, the newborn second son of singer Britney Spears, to his new home at In Touch Weekly's Los Angeles offices Monday. "In Touch has displayed a concern for, and attention to, Sutton Pierce's health, welfare, development, and wardrobe that is sadly lacking in the child's biological mother," said a CDSS spokesman as the infant was dropped off at the magazine's reception desk. "We are certain that the 16 editors, 417 freelance photographers, and both writers at In Touch will continue to give little Sutton Pierce the attention that a growing child of celebrities requires." Spears' eldest child, 1-year-old Sean Preston, was placed under the legal guardianship of TV entertainment-news program Access Hollywood in May.

After Birth

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