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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Broke Dad Makes Son PlayStation 2 For Christmas

DAYTON, OH–Determined to make his son's Christmas dreams come true despite financial woes, David McManus spent three hours in his garage Monday constructing a PlayStation 2 from scrap lumber and transistor-radio components. "I can't wait to see the look on Andy's face when he unwraps this," said McManus, lovingly painting a "2" onto the front of the handmade video-game console. "I didn't get to sand the controllers as smoothly as I'd have liked, but still." McManus added that he hopes he can make a "Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 2" CD in time for Andy's birthday in March.

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