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Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

Local Man Thinking About Becoming Asshole

SCARSDALE, NY—Saying he had been considering the lifestyle change for a while now, local man Pete Halloran told reporters Friday that he was thinking about becoming an asshole.
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Broke Dad Makes Son PlayStation 2 For Christmas

DAYTON, OH–Determined to make his son's Christmas dreams come true despite financial woes, David McManus spent three hours in his garage Monday constructing a PlayStation 2 from scrap lumber and transistor-radio components. "I can't wait to see the look on Andy's face when he unwraps this," said McManus, lovingly painting a "2" onto the front of the handmade video-game console. "I didn't get to sand the controllers as smoothly as I'd have liked, but still." McManus added that he hopes he can make a "Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 2" CD in time for Andy's birthday in March.

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Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

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