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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Extreme Storms To Rip Through Godforsaken Midwestern Wasteland

The Onion Weather Center focuses on the Midwest, where a storm system should recede into the distance like any hope of a stable economic future; a tornado bears down on a podunk, backwater hick town; and field reporter Matt Jennings is live from God knows where.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Broncos Center Apologizes To Team After Accidentally Snapping Ball To Brady Quinn

DENVER—Broncos center J.D. Walton called a team meeting Monday to apologize to players and coaches for inadvertently snapping the ball to third-string quarterback Brady Quinn, promising to never make the same stupid mistake again. “I’m so sorry. What I did was absolutely wrong and never should have happened,” said Walton, begging the Broncos for forgiveness while nervously surveying the angry faces in the crowd. “I feel terrible and I know I let this entire organization down. Coach Fox has said from day one to never hike the ball to Brady Quinn, but I screwed up big time. I know it isn’t likely, but I hope I can eventually win back your trust and respect.” Broncos head coach John Fox was reportedly furious about the incident and reassured the team’s front office that a “fuckup” of such proportions would never happen in a game situation.

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