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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.
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Broncos Center Apologizes To Team After Accidentally Snapping Ball To Brady Quinn

DENVER—Broncos center J.D. Walton called a team meeting Monday to apologize to players and coaches for inadvertently snapping the ball to third-string quarterback Brady Quinn, promising to never make the same stupid mistake again. “I’m so sorry. What I did was absolutely wrong and never should have happened,” said Walton, begging the Broncos for forgiveness while nervously surveying the angry faces in the crowd. “I feel terrible and I know I let this entire organization down. Coach Fox has said from day one to never hike the ball to Brady Quinn, but I screwed up big time. I know it isn’t likely, but I hope I can eventually win back your trust and respect.” Broncos head coach John Fox was reportedly furious about the incident and reassured the team’s front office that a “fuckup” of such proportions would never happen in a game situation.

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