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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Broncos Center Apologizes To Team After Accidentally Snapping Ball To Brady Quinn

DENVER—Broncos center J.D. Walton called a team meeting Monday to apologize to players and coaches for inadvertently snapping the ball to third-string quarterback Brady Quinn, promising to never make the same stupid mistake again. “I’m so sorry. What I did was absolutely wrong and never should have happened,” said Walton, begging the Broncos for forgiveness while nervously surveying the angry faces in the crowd. “I feel terrible and I know I let this entire organization down. Coach Fox has said from day one to never hike the ball to Brady Quinn, but I screwed up big time. I know it isn’t likely, but I hope I can eventually win back your trust and respect.” Broncos head coach John Fox was reportedly furious about the incident and reassured the team’s front office that a “fuckup” of such proportions would never happen in a game situation.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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