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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Man With Strong Brand Loyalty Willing To Kill For Mazda

In a stern warning aimed at critics of Mazdas everywhere, area man Matthew Hunker, a longtime Mazda driver with two Mazdas in his garage at home, said Thursday his loyalty to the car manufacturer was so strong that he would be willing to kill in its name.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Broncos Offensive Line Hoping Uniforms Make Them Look Fat

DENVER—Shortly after being physically dominated in a 33-19 loss to the Chiefs, the Broncos' comparatively diminutive offensive line expressed fears Sunday that their uniforms made them appear insufficiently large to be imposing to defenses. "The dark pants we wear are just so slimming," said Broncos center Casey Wiegmann, adding that a fuller cut would help make their legs appear larger. "Perhaps if we had horizontal stripes running across them we would look more meaty. I really like our white 'away' tops, but no matter what pads and foundation garments we try, they're still too fitted. Not to mention such a hassle to get grass stains out of." 305-pound right tackle Erik Pears said he would continue to wear three jerseys, a mock turtleneck sweater, several pairs of pants, half a dozen wristbands, and two sets of shoulder pads in an effort to look more stylishly obese.

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