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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Broncos’ Perfect Season Ends With Humiliating Win Over Jaguars

DENVER—While speaking to members of the media following yesterday’s practice, several Broncos players reportedly took time to reflect on their perfect season ending with Sunday’s humiliating 35-19 win over the Jacksonville Jaguars. “I think we stopped taking games one at a time, got caught looking ahead, and ultimately we paid the price,” said Broncos wide receiver Wes Welker, referring to their embarrassing 16-point win over the last-place Jaguars in which the Broncos only managed to score four touchdowns heading into the fourth quarter. “Missing out on perfection is obviously a tough pill to swallow, but at the end of the day we’ve got a lot of other goals we’d still like to accomplish. Coach Fox has said from the beginning that winning the Super Bowl is all that matters, so finishing strong and securing a bye and home-field advantage throughout the playoffs is what we’re focusing on now. There’s definitely plenty left for us to play for.” At press time, sources confirmed Jaguars players continued to celebrate their sixth straight moral victory.

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