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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Broncos Receivers Keep Forgetting They Can Run Farther Than 5 Yards Downfield On Passing Plays

DENVER—Team sources confirmed Sunday that members of the Denver Broncos' receiving corps are still struggling to remember they can now run more than five yards down the field during a passing play. "I guess we just got really used to taking a few steps and then immediately starting to block the nearest defender," said third-year wideout Eric Decker, adding that he also has to occasionally catch himself from instinctively jogging off the field after every third down. "It definitely caught me off guard the first time I looked up in the middle of a play and saw the ball coming directly toward me and not 15 feet away. It's unusual, for sure, but I'm slowly getting used to tight spirals hitting my hands. I really like it, actually." When reached for comment, new Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning confirmed that he is having difficulty adjusting to receivers who drop every single ball he throws them.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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