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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Broncos Receivers Keep Forgetting They Can Run Farther Than 5 Yards Downfield On Passing Plays

DENVER—Team sources confirmed Sunday that members of the Denver Broncos' receiving corps are still struggling to remember they can now run more than five yards down the field during a passing play. "I guess we just got really used to taking a few steps and then immediately starting to block the nearest defender," said third-year wideout Eric Decker, adding that he also has to occasionally catch himself from instinctively jogging off the field after every third down. "It definitely caught me off guard the first time I looked up in the middle of a play and saw the ball coming directly toward me and not 15 feet away. It's unusual, for sure, but I'm slowly getting used to tight spirals hitting my hands. I really like it, actually." When reached for comment, new Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning confirmed that he is having difficulty adjusting to receivers who drop every single ball he throws them.

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Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

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