adBlockCheck

Sports

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
End Of Section
  • More News

Brooklyn Man Can Still Remember Where He Was When Giants Won Super Bowl XLVI

BROOKLYN, NY—Giants fan and Brooklyn resident Charles Somers, 34, can still remember exactly where he was on the early February day when the New York Giants won the NFL championship by defeating the New England Patriots in the 2012 Super Bowl. "I can still recall just what I was doing when the clock wound down—I was in my place, hardly able to believe it, sitting on the edge of a raggedy red chair I used to have," the nostalgic Somers told reporters. "In fact, I still have it. Let me just… Here. I was right about here. That memory will be with me forever." Somers is also "pretty sure" he was over at his friend Dave's place in 2008 when the Giants won Super Bowl XLII, but noted, "That was a long time ago."

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close