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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Brooklyn Nets Insist They Only See Jason Collins As Terrible Player

NEW YORK—Several weeks after making history by signing the first publicly gay athlete in a major North American sports league, members of the Brooklyn Nets stressed to reporters Friday that they view new teammate Jason Collins only as a really terrible basketball player. “We don’t look at him as the first openly gay player in the NBA—he’s just like any other guy on the team who comes in during garbage time and contributes nothing on either side of the ball,” said Nets forward Paul Pierce, insisting that on the court, the 35-year-old 7-foot center is an unexceptional, totally ineffective big man and nothing more. “His sexuality isn’t a big deal to us. Understandably the media and fans will concentrate on that, but in our eyes, he’s just another benchwarmer who’ll grab a rebound every once in a while and have no actual impact whatsoever on this team.” Pierce went on to say that the signing of Collins was not about publicity or marketing, but rather reflects the franchise’s strategy of building a team around aging players long past their prime.

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