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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Brother-In-Law's Latest Money-Making Scheme Involves Starting PGA Championship Golf Course

TOLEDO—Local brother-in-law Steven Foster, 32, revealed a new money-making scheme at a family gathering Thursday, a proposal to start a PGA championship golf course by "getting a big ass piece of land" and "designing really cool holes." "We're talking about a top-caliber course that makes tons of cash because it's way better than everything else and you can hold like four pro tournaments a month," said Foster, adding that it would be easy to "throw some water, sand traps, and Pebble Beach stuff in there and get the pros to come." "How hard is it going to be to have an expensive pro shop and a big driving range? People will love it, getting burgers at the 19th hole. And we can have a girl going around during tournaments selling stuff. Do it classy though." Foster confirmed that the PGA championship course would also make a "shit-ton of dough" when rented out on weekdays for weddings and class reunions.

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