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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Brother-In-Law's Latest Money-Making Scheme Involves Starting PGA Championship Golf Course

TOLEDO—Local brother-in-law Steven Foster, 32, revealed a new money-making scheme at a family gathering Thursday, a proposal to start a PGA championship golf course by "getting a big ass piece of land" and "designing really cool holes." "We're talking about a top-caliber course that makes tons of cash because it's way better than everything else and you can hold like four pro tournaments a month," said Foster, adding that it would be easy to "throw some water, sand traps, and Pebble Beach stuff in there and get the pros to come." "How hard is it going to be to have an expensive pro shop and a big driving range? People will love it, getting burgers at the 19th hole. And we can have a girl going around during tournaments selling stuff. Do it classy though." Foster confirmed that the PGA championship course would also make a "shit-ton of dough" when rented out on weekdays for weddings and class reunions.

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Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

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