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How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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Brother, Sister Talk On Phone To Make Mom Happy

CRANBERRY, PA—According to family sources, siblings Kara and Ross Delp spoke briefly on the phone Tuesday in an effort to please their mother and fulfill her request that they maintain a relationship. “Hey, how’s it going?” said the indifferent 32-year-old elder brother as he dutifully cycled through a short list of generic topics of conversation with his equally detached 29-year-old sister with whom he shares no mutual interests and little affection. “Mom said you were starting a new job. Do you like it?” At press time, the siblings were explaining to each other how busy they both were, but this was nice and they should definitely talk again soon.

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