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Brother, Sister Talk On Phone To Make Mom Happy

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Brother, Sister Talk On Phone To Make Mom Happy

CRANBERRY, PA—According to family sources, siblings Kara and Ross Delp spoke briefly on the phone Tuesday in an effort to please their mother and fulfill her request that they maintain a relationship. “Hey, how’s it going?” said the indifferent 32-year-old elder brother as he dutifully cycled through a short list of generic topics of conversation with his equally detached 29-year-old sister with whom he shares no mutual interests and little affection. “Mom said you were starting a new job. Do you like it?” At press time, the siblings were explaining to each other how busy they both were, but this was nice and they should definitely talk again soon.

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