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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Brother, Sister Talk On Phone To Make Mom Happy

CRANBERRY, PA—According to family sources, siblings Kara and Ross Delp spoke briefly on the phone Tuesday in an effort to please their mother and fulfill her request that they maintain a relationship. “Hey, how’s it going?” said the indifferent 32-year-old elder brother as he dutifully cycled through a short list of generic topics of conversation with his equally detached 29-year-old sister with whom he shares no mutual interests and little affection. “Mom said you were starting a new job. Do you like it?” At press time, the siblings were explaining to each other how busy they both were, but this was nice and they should definitely talk again soon.

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