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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.
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Browns Eyeing 6 Quarterbacks To Rifle Through In 2014

CLEVELAND—In an effort to dispel uncertainty surrounding the quarterback position, Cleveland Browns head coach Mike Pettine confirmed Monday that the team is currently monitoring six players to rifle through in rapid succession next season. “The competition for that starting spot is wide open right now, so we plan on blowing through at least a half dozen options at quarterback during the course of the regular season,” said Pettine, adding that following training camp and preseason, the team will select a new play caller to be the face of the franchise, only to bench him in week five after a string of subpar performances. “As head coach, I just have to go with the guy who gives us the best chance to win. Then I’ll replace him with someone else when he doesn’t come through, and we’ll repeat that process over and over again until we finally land on some washed-up veteran who will finish out our final few meaningless games.” Pettine also told reporters that quarterback Brian Hoyer is making good progress in his recovery from a torn ACL last season, making him a prime candidate to be traded for a pick in the 2015 draft.

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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