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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Browns Front Office Worried They Completely Botched NFL Combine Interview

INDIANAPOLIS—Noticeably cringing as he recalled repeatedly stumbling over his questions, Cleveland Browns chief strategy officer Paul DePodesta expressed concern to reporters Tuesday that the team may have completely blown their NFL combine interview with Cal quarterback Jared Goff. “I can’t believe some of the stupid stuff that came out of my mouth—I just got so nervous that I wound up asking all the wrong things,” said DePodesta, adding that the team’s entire front office was anxiously fidgeting throughout the 15-minute meeting. “At one point, I was rambling about how well I thought he would fit into the Browns offense, and then I lost my train of thought, so I just sort of trailed off. I could tell he wasn’t impressed at all. God, I wish we could just do it over again.” DePodesta added that the team likely came off as “totally fake and insincere” while assuring Goff that they have learned from their past mistakes.

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