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Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Browns Front Office Worried They Completely Botched NFL Combine Interview

INDIANAPOLIS—Noticeably cringing as he recalled repeatedly stumbling over his questions, Cleveland Browns chief strategy officer Paul DePodesta expressed concern to reporters Tuesday that the team may have completely blown their NFL combine interview with Cal quarterback Jared Goff. “I can’t believe some of the stupid stuff that came out of my mouth—I just got so nervous that I wound up asking all the wrong things,” said DePodesta, adding that the team’s entire front office was anxiously fidgeting throughout the 15-minute meeting. “At one point, I was rambling about how well I thought he would fit into the Browns offense, and then I lost my train of thought, so I just sort of trailed off. I could tell he wasn’t impressed at all. God, I wish we could just do it over again.” DePodesta added that the team likely came off as “totally fake and insincere” while assuring Goff that they have learned from their past mistakes.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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