adBlockCheck

Sports

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
End Of Section
  • More News

Browns Front Office Worried They Completely Botched NFL Combine Interview

INDIANAPOLIS—Noticeably cringing as he recalled repeatedly stumbling over his questions, Cleveland Browns chief strategy officer Paul DePodesta expressed concern to reporters Tuesday that the team may have completely blown their NFL combine interview with Cal quarterback Jared Goff. “I can’t believe some of the stupid stuff that came out of my mouth—I just got so nervous that I wound up asking all the wrong things,” said DePodesta, adding that the team’s entire front office was anxiously fidgeting throughout the 15-minute meeting. “At one point, I was rambling about how well I thought he would fit into the Browns offense, and then I lost my train of thought, so I just sort of trailed off. I could tell he wasn’t impressed at all. God, I wish we could just do it over again.” DePodesta added that the team likely came off as “totally fake and insincere” while assuring Goff that they have learned from their past mistakes.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close