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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Browns Front Office Worried They Completely Botched NFL Combine Interview

INDIANAPOLIS—Noticeably cringing as he recalled repeatedly stumbling over his questions, Cleveland Browns chief strategy officer Paul DePodesta expressed concern to reporters Tuesday that the team may have completely blown their NFL combine interview with Cal quarterback Jared Goff. “I can’t believe some of the stupid stuff that came out of my mouth—I just got so nervous that I wound up asking all the wrong things,” said DePodesta, adding that the team’s entire front office was anxiously fidgeting throughout the 15-minute meeting. “At one point, I was rambling about how well I thought he would fit into the Browns offense, and then I lost my train of thought, so I just sort of trailed off. I could tell he wasn’t impressed at all. God, I wish we could just do it over again.” DePodesta added that the team likely came off as “totally fake and insincere” while assuring Goff that they have learned from their past mistakes.

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