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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Browns Impressed By Johnny Manziel’s Chemistry With Bench

CLEVELAND—Noting that it normally takes several seasons before a tandem develops such a solid connection, Cleveland Browns head coach Mike Pettine told reporters Thursday that he has been extremely impressed by rookie quarterback Johnny Manziel’s growing chemistry with the team bench. “They haven’t had much time together yet, but Johnny is really beginning to gel with our bench,” said Pettine, adding that the Browns coaching staff has been incredibly pleased to see the ease and comfort with which their first-year signal caller has worked with the bench during practices and preseason games. “You can tell there’s a genuine sense of trust and a truly unspoken bond between the two. It’s a very natural relationship, and we’re very excited to see how it grows—so far, they’ve been practically inseparable.” Pettine added that given the way Manziel has clicked with the bench thus far, he believes the two have the potential to eventually become the Browns’ most prolific quarterback-bench tandem since the Brady Quinn era.

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